Jan Di’s POV
Secretary Park escorted me to the taxi before returning to the house. I had seen the look of surprise on Ji Hoo’s face at breakfast after everything I told him, and I also knew he’d seen the necklace I was wearing, the one he’d given me. I had picked it because he had put a lot of thought and effort into it, just like he’d put into the shoes, the huge teddy bear he won for me at the theme park, and the swimming retirement certificate –although the F3 had given it to me, Woo Bin had confessed that Ji Hoo was the one who came up with it.
After leaving ‘the box’ in Ji Hoo’s closet again, I had started to search my belongings for items I kept because they made me remember him. I could definitely fill more than one box with all the gifts, mementos, and photos. I smiled at the thought as I looked out the taxi window.
A ringtone jarred me from my daydreaming; it was the driver’s cellphone. Instead of ignoring the call, the guy answered and started chatting pleasantly with whoever it was on the line. Driving while talking on the phone was almost as dangerous as driving drunk. I’d seen the staggering statistics in my classes.
“Excuse me, could you please hang up the phone?”
He seemed not to have heard me while he openly laughed and maneuvered the car with one hand, alternating between the wheel and the gear shift.
“Mister, please! Hang up! Don’t you see how dangerous this is?”
“Huh? What? Hold on a sec,” he said into the phone, then spoke to me. “Miss, this is a person I haven’t spoken to in a while. Don’t worry, I usually drive with one hand even when I’m not on the phone.”
“Don’t you know doing that is against the law?”
“Aww, no one pays attention to that.”
“Just because the law isn’t enforced doesn’t mean it’s not a danger. Can’t you see it’s raining? It’s not just your life you’re risking here; it’s mine, too!”
“Look, I don’t need a kid to tell me how to do my job. If you don’t like it, you can get out of my car.”
“Get out? Why should I?”
“Just what I needed this morning,” he mumbled to himself, “a rich kid trying to order me around.”
“You’re completely insane. I’m going to contact the manager of this company.”
“Do whatever you want, brat, but get out of my cab!”
I was stunned silent. This was the worst taxi driver I’d ever encountered in my life. Arguing with him was getting me nowhere, so I silently begged for the next traffic light to be red so I could get out. Luckily, he was forced to stop for the very next light. I got out without a word, making sure to double check his plate so I could register a complaint with the cab company. The man kept talking, seemingly unconcerned that I was leaving his car without paying.
Instead of immediately opening my umbrella once I was out, I quickly ducked into a store I saw nearby, remembering that I needed to purchase some extra pens for our upcoming exam day. I had just greeted the store clerk when we both heard a horrible noise and the sound of screaming. Rushing out the door, the sight that greeted us rendered me speechless: the car I had been only seconds before was smashed against other two cars in an intersection a few meters away.
I immediately ran to the site of the collision.
“What happened!?” I asked a pedestrian.
“I-I don’t know…”
“I do! I saw the whole thing!” a kid said. “That guy turned to the left, but it seems like he lost control or something because he went straight into the red car! The red car was trying to avoid him and crashed against the white car over there!”
People started to gather, cars stopped, and the few transit police on the street tried to push the crowd back.
“Someone call an ambulance! Quick!” I yelled to anyone who would listen.
I ran toward the cars, but the police stopped me.
“I’m a med student! I might be able to do something to help, so let me through!”
Even I was surprised at the authoritarian tone in my voice, but it granted me passage through to the crashed vehicles. The police had managed to extract the unconscious taxi driver I had been riding with from the driver’s seat of his car.
“Step aside! I need to check him,” I ordered. He didn’t seem to be too gravely injured. The air bag and the safety belt had done their jobs, and even though he was unconscious, his pulse was normal and so was his breathing. “As a precaution, it would be best to leave him face up. Do not move his neck, there could be spinal damage, but I won’t know more until the EMTs arrive. Cover him with something.”
“Miss! Are you a doctor?” A police officer called out as he came running my way.
“No, I’m a med student.”
“Please, see if you can do something for her…”
I didn’t understand, but when the man took me to one side of the white car I had to gather all of my strength to keep standing: a woman, no older than me, was passed out on the wet sidewalk, bloody cuts and abrasions covering her face and arms. Two other officers were checking her for signs of life.
I breathed deeply and took off my coat.
Crouching next to her, I tried to assess her signs.
Pulse: weak
Breathing: weak
Throat: without obstruction
Chest: bloated
Bingo!
“You have an emergency first aid kit in your car, right?” I asked the police man next to me.
“Yes”
“Good. I’m going to need a towel, a knife or pocket knife or whatever you have that can make a cut, a syringe and alcohol. Now!” the man sprinted to his vehicle. “You, take the umbrella and hold it above her. You, give me some light.”
Luckily, I got everything I asked for. My hands seemed to be working faster than my mind as I cut open the girl’s blouse. I firmly touched her ribs until I found the second intercostal space. I dried the zone I would work on, applied a generous amount of alcohol to the blade of the pocket knife, prayed to the heavens to make my hands steady, and proceeded to make an incision. I withdrew the knife and inserted the empty syringe, hoping I was right. Pulling out the plunger completely, I put my ear next to it and after two seconds I heard the distinct sound of air escaping and saw the girl’s chest rise and fall as her breathing was restored.
Tension Pneumothorax
“Miss…Miss, are you alright?”
“What?” I didn’t notice, but I actually hadn’t heard anything while I performed that little intervention. The adrenaline of the moment had passed and my body was now reacting as it should, with fear. I was shaking all over. I had saved that girl, but it had been a risk… what if I had done it wrong?
“Make way! Step away! What’s going on here? Who are you!?” A man in his forties came barreling through, trying to get to his patient.
“I’m a student from the medical department of Shinhwa University, fourth semester. My name is Geum Jan Di. I just performed an emergency procedure. This woman must have receive a strong blow that provoked a pneumothorax, it would be wise to move her carefully. On the other side of this car, you’ll see an unconscious man; there’s no visible damage, but his neck might be compromised after the force of the impact due to his use of the safety belt. I don’t know if there are any more injured people, but at least these two are stable.”
The EMTs standing there were clearly surprised by the quick answer, and the one who had yelled at me at first was now hastily ordering his subordinates to help the wounded. Finally, he approached me.
“Are you okay? Were you in the accident too?”
“No, fortunately I was not. It’s just that… this is the first time that I have…”
“I understand. Please, go to the ambulance over there, ask them for something so you can calm down. You did good work, Miss Geum. You probably saved this woman’s life.”
I breathed shakily and picked up my coat. It had all happened so fast that my head was just trying to catch up to everything I had done. Strangely, my chest felt tight, as if I couldn’t breathe… it was not a new sensation, but I couldn’t pinpoint why I was feeling it.
As I drew close to the ambulance I heard a great ruckus at the accident site: the police men were trying to contain the crowd of curious onlookers, a second ambulance couldn’t get a clean parking space, and several people had their cellphones out taking pictures or videos of the cars.
“I already told you it is impossible!”
“Sir, please. Understand that one of the victims could be a relative!”
I recognized that voice at once. It was secretary Park! I approached him immediately.
“Then you will have to wait for the EMT’s to contact you. I’m sorry!”
“Chae Yun-ssi!”
“Miss Jan Di!” I ran to him and he hugged me tightly. “But…how?”
“Long story… what are you doing here?”
“I was driving to the office when young master and I saw the accident site… He, miss Jan Di, he’s not reacting.”
I looked around, trying to locate the car, and when I did, I ran to it with secretary Park at my heels. The door was open and there was my sunbae, with his hands buried in his hair and bended over himself.
“Su-Sunbae? Sunbae, what’s wrong? Please look at me. It’s Jan Di.”
“When I told him one of the cars involved in the accident was the taxi I had hired for you, he went crazy. He started yelling your name, demanding to be let through. But after a while he just… crumbled onto his knees, crying. After that he went blank, like some kind of zombie. I haven’t been able to make him respond.”
Shock, I realized. “Sunbae, please… listen to me. Sunbae!” I grabbed his wrists, but he didn’t move. I started to get desperate. I kept calling his name and shaking him, but nothing changed.
“I’ll go bring a paramedic,” Secretary Park said, heading back to the crash site. I remained kneeling in front of the most important person in my life, raging at my own impotence.
Geum Jan Di, you just made a hole, literally a hole, in a woman’s body. Can’t you make a person react?
I wiped my tears, and this time I took my sunbae’s face in my hands. What I saw surprised me. His eyes were empty, unfocused. I was looking at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. I suddenly felt stupid for not remembering until that moment: his parents. Ji Hoo had already been in an accident like this, it was a lingering trauma to him.
It made sense that after seeing the crash involving the car I was in, his brain would jumble up all the bad memories; he had practically become catatonic after that, and I wasn’t willing to let it happen again a second time.
“YOON JI HOO! Look at me! You’re alright! Nothing bad has happened to you. This is the present! Please, Ji Hoo, don’t do this to me… I need you. Please say something, please…”
Nothing.
I started to let my hands fall but something stopped me… it was Ji Hoo’s hand. He had moved!
“Jan…Di?” he asked, as if trying to believe that I was truly there.
“Ji Hoo!”
“Jan Di!”
I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I found myself locked in a tight embrace. I could feel Ji Hoo’s arms around me, crushing me close almost to the point of pain, but that didn’t matter. He had reacted, and was calling my name over and over again.
“Am I dreaming? Or are you a ghost? Did you leave me, just like my parents did?”
“Ji Hoo?”
“It must be a dream, hearing you say my name.”
“You’re not dreaming, Ji Hoo.” Leaning away a little, I placed one of his hands on my cheek and the other one above my chest. “Feel me. I’m alive… I’ll never leave you like that, you hear me? I will never stay away from you. I—”
I never finished what I was going to say because my lips were silenced by a searing kiss.
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Ji Hoo’s POV
When my parents had died, my life had become gray, empty. I still remembered standing in front of a car in flames, crying, shouting for omma and appa, but they never answered. Death had snatched them away so swiftly and absolutely that it took me years to accept it. And still, the nightmares kept appearing now and then, disturbing my restful sleep.
And now, now that I saw a crushed taxi in from of me, a taxi where I was sure Jan Di lay hurt or dead, I was once again incapable of doing anything, like the four year old child I had been. My status didn’t matter; my money and my power were useless; somehow I was too paralyzed to get up and go to the woman I loved lying just a few meters away.
I wasn’t sure where I was anymore. I couldn’t hear anything, and I found it odd. I knew Jan Di was in danger, but my body wasn’t moving. I wasn’t feeling the emergency bell in my heart. Did that mean she was dead? And if she was, what would become of me? How would I keep going? What would I live for?
Sunbae…
Somehow I thought I could hear her voice through the grey. It sounded so clear.
Ji Hoo…I need you…
Ahhh, her voice was so beautiful. It soothed me, invoking what several psychologists and various drugs had never been able to give me: peace.
And her hands… I loved when her fingers tangled in my hair whenever I rested my head on her lap, or when she grabbed my hand with her little one to lead me to wherever she wanted to go. What did it matter where that was? I would follow her either way…
That warmth, however, was getting away. It was leaving me. I had to do something.
I reached out my hand and it was as if someone had suddenly turned up the volume: I heard noise and voices, people and sirens… Soon my gaze focused on the face I loved most in this world. My little otter, my beautiful strong weed, Jan Di.
“Jan…Di?” Are you really here?
“Ji Hoo?”
“Jan Di!”
She was there, right in front of me! Or wasn’t she? I didn’t know, but I didn’t waste time trying to check between reality and fantasy and trapped her in my arms. My hands roamed across her back, her shoulders, her waist… I needed to feel that I had her there with me.
“Am I dreaming? Or are you a ghost? Did you leave me, just like my parents did?”
“Ji Hoo?”
“It must be a dream, hearing you say my name.” She had never mentioned my name without an honorific.
“You’re not dreaming, Ji Hoo.” I felt her moving away from me. No! But then she took one of my hands and placed it on her cheek. She placed the other one on her chest. I felt heat, a beating heart… It was her!
I didn’t think; I just reacted, my body responding to the desire I’d kept hidden for years, and I claimed her mouth in a kiss I’d been longing for since our one and only kiss on a moonlit beach. I encountered no resistance to my advances, and I let go of my careful control, feeling her answering kisses under the cold and heavy drops of rain.
I had dreamt of kissing Jan Di more times than I could count.
Her lips were softer than I remembered, and her nose slowly bumped again my cheek when her mouth tried to match the movements of mine. There were no other thoughts in my head but the desire to savor the moment to the fullest. I would prove to Jan Di that since that first kiss in New Caledonia, she had captivated me completely.
Soon, much too soon, we broke apart. My heart was racing, and I tried to catch my breath as I watched her eyes open and slowly meet mine. I was definitely not dreaming.
“How is it that you’re here?” I asked her, my hands cupping her face.
“L-long story,” she replied.
“Young master!”
“Chae Yun-ssi,” I said, blinking.
“Thank God! I thought you had turned into a statue! It’s a miracle it all turned out okay in the end. I think I’ve lost ten years of my life today!”
We noticed the press had started to arrive and made a unanimous decision to get out of there. We hopped into the car, still wet, and thought about what to do next.
“Let’s go back to the house so that you can change,” said Chae Yun.
“No, I have to get to class. I have an exam!” Jan Di said fearfully, glancing at the clock.
“Jan Di, you can take a substitute examination, right?” I asked her.
“Never! I didn’t study so hard just to miss the exam.”
“You’re already a little late.”
“I’ll explain to Kyu- to Jung seonsaengnim why I’m late. Any teacher would have to grant me a few extra minutes under these circumstances.”
That name on Jan Di’s lips jarred me. Jung seonsaengnim, the man Jan Di was in love with. But then… what did that kiss mean? Had it been pity? A way to make me react?
All the anger and frustration I’d been feeling came flooding back.
“Fine, go. Secretary Park, take her to the university. I’ll go to the office myself.”
“Young master?”
“Stop the car.”
Ignoring their urging to go home and change, I opened the door and stepped out of the car. Before I could close the door, though, Jan Di stopped me by pulling my coat.
“I’ll wait for you this afternoon.”
I didn’t answer as I closed the door.
I didn’t understand. What’s supposed to happen between us now?
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Ga Eul’s POV
My body was healing thanks to the care of the doctors Woo Bin had put at my disposal. My parents, thank God, had been convinced by Jan Di’s assurances that I was staying with her. The real problem at hand wasn’t that one, but Woo Bin’s attitude towards me.
After that sudden kiss, he had begun to avoid me by any mean possible. I rarely saw him at dinner; he usually went out. I knew something had changed in him since the moment we shared, and the confusion… But still, I wanted –no, I needed to talk to him.
That afternoon I escaped the guest room and, with quiet steps, carefully sneaked into Woo Bin’s bedroom. I sat down on a chair and waited.
An hour passed before he finally came in, taking off his jacket and rummaging in the closet for a hanger.
“Hello” I greeted.
“Ack! Ga Eul! Are you trying to kill me? W-what are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk to you. I haven’t seen you much these past few days.”
“Erm, yeah, I had stuff to do, people to visit, you know how that is.”
“Yes, but still.” I heard him sigh. He finished hanging up his jacket and sat down on his bed.
“About that day… I acted on impulse, Ga Eul. I shouldn’t have done it.”
Then I was right. It had all been spur of the moment, the relief of having escaped a big threat. However, I was ready for that kind of answer. I rose from the chair and went to him. When he finally looked up at me, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He jumped up and took several steps away from me, a look of astonishment on his features.
“What do you think you’re doing!?”
“Acting on impulse, just like you. In these kinds of things there’s no need for feelings, right? You explained that to me over and over when I asked about your multiple girlfriends. It’s just a matter of desire and… impulses.”
“Ga Eul, you don’t know what you’re saying. If you’re angry, you can hit me until you’re satisfied, but this is not you.”
“And how do you know that?”
“I just do.”
“You’re not the only one with the right to act however he wants to. After what I went through, I’ve decided I want to live, to do all the things I refrained from before. That happens, right? With people who’ve had near-death experiences? Didn’t you promise me you’d protect me? That you would be responsible for me? Do it then, Woo Bin. Take responsibility.”
I felt like a terrible person for trying to coerce him with his own words this way. I knew Woo Bin was shocked—I was too—at how calm my voice was as the words left my mouth. I had practiced them before the mirror for days. I wasn’t willing to leave things to destiny, to luck… I had fought before and lost. Could anyone blame me for trying to take by force what I desired the most?
I slowly walked toward him, letting my robe slide down and fall to the floor. I stood before Woo Bin in only a lace satin slip, waiting for the worst.
Moments passed in tense silence. I could see a struggle taking place behind his eyes. And then, in two steps, he was before me, grasping me by the shoulders and kissing me again like that day, strongly, desperately. With a groan, he pressed closer. I slipped my arms around his neck and let him carry me to his bed.
Even if he only wanted my body, for the moment, that was enough.
Woo Bin’s POV
When I saw Ga Eul in my room, I knew she wanted to talk about what happened that day, but the last thing I would’ve expected was her trying to seduce me. I had been one step away from fleeing my own room, but when I saw her walking toward me, her robe pooling on the ground beneath her feet… I’m not lying when I say that, in that moment, Ga Eul looked more beautiful and erotic than any other woman I’d ever known. And even though I knew she was only looking to experiment, and that what I was about to do was wrong in more ways than one; I surrendered to my desires once again and kissed her, hard.
I felt her arms go around my neck and in one swift movement I carried her to my bed. I layed her down gently, then broke the kiss for a moment. Brushing a lock of hair from her face, I wanted to ask her if she was sure, if she really wanted to do this; but her hypnotizing eyes and my fear of what she would say shut me up.
I stepped to the door of my room and locked it; that was more than enough to let the staff know not to bother me. It was hardly noon, but the rain was falling heavily outside.
When I returned my gaze to the bed, Ga Eul was sitting up, one strap of her slip falling off her shoulder. I took off my shirt and approached her slowly. There was no rush. If she was willing to give herself to me, then I would take her offering as humbly as possible.
Ga Eul’s POV
I think Woo Bin’s body was perfect. Even if you could see several scars from fights, whether real or for practice, that only made me wanted it more.
When he approached me the second time, he kissed me slowly. I felt his hands caressing my cheeks and follow a path down my neck, my shoulders and when he pulled me by the waist against him, I again felt the warmness of his tongue on my lips. When I opened them, my mind was only registering the comforting wetness mingling between us.
But even when I had been brave in practically asking him what we were doing, my heart was beating wildly, my hands were shaking and I was a bit scared. When I felt his hand on my breast, my body jerked away and broke the contact between our lips. Woo Bin looked at me intently while pulling down the straps of my slip and I maneuvered my arms through to let them fall but he still held them and kept his eyes on me, with that gaze that made my heart beat erratically. Suddenly, he let them fall, leaving my torso completely exposed.
My first reaction was to cover myself, but I suppressed the urge and held my arms down stubbornly, although I could feel my blush creeping up to my cheeks.
I awaited his touch, but instead of going for the prize, he splayed his palm on my throat, then went down for my clavicles and finally, so very slowly, to my breasts. His eyes never left my own and I started to feel a strong heat forming on the low part of my abdomen.
Woo Bin’s POV
How many women had I slept with? That was a question Yi Jung and I asked every so often because, let’s face it, there had been many.
The minute my hands felt the skin on Ga Eul’s breast was like all of those women had never existed. Barely a memory of a passionate, fleeting night where I looked for the most beautiful girl in the bar to satisfy my needs.
Beauty.
I hadn’t really understood the meaning of the word until the instant I watched Ga Eul’s face contorted in pleasure after my mouth took as prisoner one of the small pinkish flesh buttons crowning her bosom. I lavished it with my tongue until I branded the taste to my memory.
I was sure I was the first one to touch her that way, taste her that way and feel her that way…
I felt her trembling fingers drawing teasing patterns by my ears and down my neck, heard her provocative mewls and low moans, and it took everything in me to not lost control that exact second.
Our clothes started to be tossed somewhere around the room.
If she had proven to be braver than I had expected by not covering her chest, she wasn’t able to repeat it when I finally got her totally naked beneath me. Her breathing was uncontrolled, her hair was spread wild on the pillow and her eyes tightly shut down, same as her legs.
Once again, I felt like a fucking coward because I knew I couldn’t stop…I didn’t want to.
I took advantage of this to take off my boxer and the natural reaction of my body hurt so good I was absolutely sure that I wasn’t going to last long.
Control yourself man…focus.
I straddled Ga Eul’s body slowly, I caressed her belly with my mouth, her chest, cheek, forehead and mouth. Her skin was on fire, a soft blush covered her from head to toes.
My eyes wandered along her frame, taking in her ‘imperfections’. The scarred knees, some burns in her arms, hands a bit rough due to her daily labors…and all of that made me desire her more and more. The only thing that made me want to throw myself out the window was to see the still dark bruises that stretched down much of her skin. How could I had let something like that happen to her? I often wondered, but right then I didn’t have much time to drown in self-incrimination due the brown eyed nymph looking up at me expectantly.
While I seized her mouth once again, my hand took course south, where it tried to separate two long walls fighting to keep hidden the most precious jewel of the body of the woman I was caressing. It wasn’t easy, but when I finally succeeded and clearly felt the wetness flowing from Ga Eul I couldn’t help but smile of satisfaction knowing that she, too, was enjoying it.
She was perfectly damp and silky on my fingertips and I began a stroking pattern on her most sensitive spot which earned me a long inhibited moan. The first of many I hoped. I slipped two fingers inside and once again captured a nipple and sucked, trying to distract and relax her the most I could; I just wanted her to get lost in the sensations.
After many more feminine sighs, kisses, and much more kneading and touching, I thought I had done all I could to relax Ga Eul and pulled away to search for the damn condom, but I put in on at light speed and went back to her. I softly caressed her, put her hands on my shoulders and appropriately positioned myself above her, feeling welcome when she opened herself to me. I closed my eyes and pushed.
I felt dizzy, my stomach was doing flips, my muscles were trembling and Ga Eul’s nails had sought refuge in my skin. No, I still wasn’t inside but that was more that I could’ve ever allowed myself to hope for. I hissed and tried to breathe deeply but I knew it was just a waste of time, so I pushed again and finally entered her in one stroke.
A scream bounced from the walls in my room and I felt the body beneath me stiffen and I waited. I knew Ga Eul had to accommodate to me, so I fought my urges and remained still, resting my forehead against hers; somewhat, I was suffering too: Ga Eul felt hot, tight, perfect…
Carefully I eased out and then filled her again, and then repeated the painfully slow movements until I felt her fingers stop digging into my skin. I looked for the crook of her neck and started sucking her pulse point, she seemed to enjoy it.
After a while her hips started to writhe against me and that was my cue to quicken the pace. Her hands went to my face and she forced her tongue into my mouth. Was there anything more sensual than feeling her moans falling directly to my mouth? Her nipples rock hard colliding against my chest? Her fingernails against my scalp? Her legs coiling themselves to my back? Her softness against my hardness?
Her sweet, dulcet sounds became more fervent and I felt Ga Eul’s muscles start to tense up around me as she quivered in my arms. I felt the hammering of her heartbeat flowing from each square inch of her flesh.
She is close.
I grabbed her hands, pinned them to the bed and purposefully gyrated my hips trying to brush against her perceptive bud. Her eyes flew open and she stared at me with wonder in her eyes.
A few more twists and a stuttering cry sprouted from her throat as her inner walls clenched the life out of me; she shuddered gracelessly and rode her orgasm to the fullest.
What a sight to behold.
I dragged my nails down to her waist and grabbed her tightly against me, chasing my own release, not that it was hard to do it. I practically growled against her throat and released all my pent-up desire.
We were both breathing hard and I shivered when I felt her fingertips shaping the lines of my back muscles. I put my ear against her heart and allowed the crazy gallop to calm me.
I was exhausted, emaciated, satisfied and, maybe for the first time, complete.
The woman now lying dormant in my bed had given herself to me and the red traces on the sheets bore witness to that. I didn’t know how she would react when she woke up, but what I did know was that through whatever necessary means, I had to make her mine.
Yes, I had possessed her body and had taken her first time, but I really wanted her, I needed her. All that Ga Eul was, I had learned -without noticing, unintentionally and without malice- to love. I didn’t matter she only saw me as a ‘release to her impulses’, I would make her notice me somehow.
Even if this is my start point, I will make you fall in love with me, Chu Ga Eul. I thought while kissing her hand.
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Ji Hoo’s POV
That day at the office was complete torture. I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything due to the morning’s events. First, Jan Di asking me to talk; second, the accident; third, seeing her safe and sound, and finally, that kiss…
I knew why I had done it; what I didn’t know was why she had kissed me back. Or maybe I was wrong? Maybe amidst all the confusion that was how I had felt it and not how it had actually been. After all, Jan Di really seemed surprised when I looked at her.
Good job, Ji Hoo. You finally got to kiss her again, and it turns out she didn’t want that. She’s already in love with someone else. When will you understand that?
The last thing I wanted was to talk to her just so she could tell me about her relationship with the teacher, but she had asked me again before I left the car and, as usual, I wasn’t able to refuse a request from her.
After my two exams I headed, reluctantly, to the emergency staircase. On my way there, I noticed Jan Di’s name being whispered in the halls.
“Was she really covered in blood?”
“I don’t know. My friend told me she was soaked, and the commoner said she had had a ‘small accident’.”
“Unbelievable, right?”
“She just wanted to make a huge entrance. She’s still a pauper that somehow managed to infiltrate our college.”
Seems that everyone noticed her bedraggled state when she arrived today. I just hope she doesn’t get a cold or-
I stopped in my tracks and scoffed at myself. Even knowing I was going to hear Jan Di reject the feelings I had never confessed to her, I was still worried about her.
I breathed in and let the air out slowly before stepping out into our stairwell. There she was, leaning against the balcony…
…wearing a man’s hoodie over her shirt.
The greeting I had prepared died in my throat.
“Welcome,” she said with a smile.
“I’m here. What did you want to talk about?”
“Well, ummm… this isn’t going to be easy.” She seemed a bit baffled at my attitude. “First, I want to apologize. I behaved rather coldly with you a few weeks ago—”
“Forget it.”
“No, I know you must be angry about it. I promise I’m about to explain the reason why.”
“It’s not necessary, Jan Di. Really, just let it go.”
“But I—”
“Let it go!” It hadn’t been my intention to yell, but I couldn’t take it anymore. How could she stand there so calmly, wearing someone else’s clothes? “Listen, I know what you want to talk about. Jung seonsaengnim told me a few days ago…”
She opened her eyes like saucers.
“He told you!? But that’s… impossible! I asked him not to say anything!”
“Yeah, I know. Let’s say I figured it out somehow and, well, he just confirmed my suspicions.”
“And… And now that you know, how do you feel?”
“How I feel. You want to know how I feel? The truth is that I would like to forget every word he told me, Jan Di.” I saw horror crossing her face at my comment. “I’m not expecting you to understand, but that’s how it is. So don’t worry about “acting coldly”. Maybe it will be best for both of us if I start doing the same.”
“But you… you kissed me.”
I didn’t understand her answer. Maybe she was afraid I would tell her precious professor?
“I’m sorry, it was the heat of the moment, knowing you were alive, the adrenaline, call it whatever you like, but—” My words dried up as Jan Di started to cry inconsolably. I was stunned silent. I didn’t know how to react.
The sobbing continued for a few minutes and then she whispered brokenly, “At least… can we still be friends?”
“…I don’t think so.”
“Why!?”
“Because I couldn’t stand watching you find happiness again with someone who isn’t me! Happy!? There, I said it. I know, I’m pathetic. I’m not capable of wishing you happiness when I know you fell in love again. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to the university, but still you need to be careful for you and for Jung seonsaengnim’s job.”
“What… What are you talking about, Ji Hoo?”
Is she serious?
“The relationship between a student and a teacher is not considered acceptable by most people, but with some carefulness you can keep it under wraps like you have until now.”
“Yoon Ji Hoo,” her voice stopped me immediately, “I’m going to ask you one more time. What the hell are you talking about?”
“What else? About you and Jung seonsaengnim!”
“Me with Jung-? Who told you something like that!?”
“He told me himself!”
“He told you he was in a relationship with me!?”
“Of course he did!”
“Did he explicitly used my name?”
I was about to answer again, but when I tried to remember his exact words, I couldn’t pinpoint the moment in which the teacher mentioned Jan Di’s name. But that wasn’t such an important thing. Right?
“No, he didn’t. But it was obvious, and besides—”
“You idiot!” She started to hit my chest with her fists. “You big headed idiot! How could you think I was in love with Jung seonsaengnim? The one I’m love with is you, you big jerk!”
It was as if someone had reached into my head and scrambled my brain. Jan Di just said she was in love… with me?
“How did you even come up with that idea?” she asked.
“It’s just that… Ju Mi said… and then the teacher…” I couldn’t even finish a complete sentence.
“Jung seonsaengnim is in love with and engaged to a senior student. Since I discovered it by chance one day, we became friends. I told him about the time I realized I had fallen in love with my best friend,” she sighed. “Ju Mi simply made an assumption because she saw us spending time together. Ji Hoo, believe me, please—the reason I acted so coldly to you was because I thought Ju Mi had caught your attention. Selfishly, it was only that that I realized I was in love with you.”
“This can’t be true…”
“Why don’t you believe me?”
“Because you have no idea all the time I have been in love with you, Geum Jan Di! You can’t tell me, after all these years, that you realized your feelings overnight!”
“Why can’t it be so? Having you next to me is as natural as breathing.”
“So that’s it, then? Habit?”
“You know me better than anybody. You know perfectly well when I’m lying.” She stood close to me and looked at me sternly. “Am I lying to you right now? Look into my eyes. I’m telling you, Ji Hoo: I am in love with you.”
It was true. I knew all of Jan Di’s expressions and mannerisms, and now that she was so near with her eyes still watery and her cheeks stained with tears, I knew.
I knew in the deepest part of me that she was telling the truth. Everything I had thought I knew had only been a huge misunderstanding. But still, I couldn’t be as happy as I thought I would’ve been at finding out how she felt for me. Not now that I knew how possessive I had turned out to be.
“Jan Di, this cannot be.”
“Why not? Didn’t you also say that you—”
“Jan Di, to say I’m in love with you is a vague description. I love you. I’m not sure if you completely grasp what I mean when I say that. You have no idea, really no idea, how long I have dreamed of hearing you say you love me, too… but now it all seems different. I know I misunderstood the thing between you and Jung seonsaengnim. But now, thanks to my mistake, I know myself better, and know…” tell her “that I can’t live without you.”
Instead of the reaction I expected, she beamed at me with a mega-watt smile and launched herself into my arms.
“Ji Hoo.” Warmth suffused me at the sound of my name on her lips, and I realized with surprise that she wasn’t using the word ‘sunbae’ anymore. “I don’t know if you understand the depth of my feelings. I love you more than I had allowed myself to notice. Do you remember I told you that having you beside me was as natural as breathing? Without air I wouldn’t be able to go on, and the same goes for you. I know it sounds possessive, but I couldn’t stand watching you next to someone else. I think I have to thank Ju Mi for that.” She released me and touched her lips to mine briefly. “You can’t live without me? That’s good, then… because I can’t live without you.”
“Be very careful what you say Geum Jan Di. I’m not interested in titles. I don’t want you as my girlfriend, fiancée, or wife. I simply want you by my side for the rest of my days.”
“That sounds like the most perfect plan ever.”
When was it that Jan Di’s heart had healed? When was it that, without either of us noticing, it had started beating for me? I wasn’t sure. The only thing I was certain about at that moment was our clasped hands and the kiss that, for the first time, I was sharing with her based on the same feeling.
Was it possible that everything that had happened in my life had led me to this moment, this happiness? It certainly felt that way.
Jan Di smiled against my lips, tears of joy slipping down her face as she told me that she loved me, that she never wanted to let me go.
I had to concur with her… it sounded like a perfect plan.